home page text
home page text
I am currently getting some text together for using in my home page after about the 5 th attempt I am still not happy with it.
Am I allowed to post this text on here for some help or ideas.
thanks
Juco
Am I allowed to post this text on here for some help or ideas.
thanks
Juco
This is the text I am planning for the home page, I feel that I am not getting a comfortable feel about it, I have re written it 5 times so far. can anyone see anything wrong or am I being too critical.
It is my intention to put more detail on a seperate page for the various rooms.
please,please be critical as writing is not one of my strong points.
thanks
The Villa
This attractive detached Villa located in Akbuk, Altinkum, Turkey, is in a well cared for development which is surrounded by mature olive groves. This spacious villa can sleep up to 8 adults in three double bedrooms and 1 lounge, ideal for couples or families. A five minute stroll through the scented olive groves takes you the 400 metres to the sandy (blue flag) beach and the crystal clear turquoise waters of the Aegean Sea.
Entry to the villa is from a covered porch and leads you into the entrance hall where there is a shower room/toilet on your left and a separate well equipped kitchen on your right. From the kitchen is a door leading to a large covered outdoor terraced area ideal for your morning breakfast or just relaxing in the cool shade with a chilled drink in hand. The lounge is light modern and roomy with a marble tiled floor with 3 sofas which can be used as additional single beds. We have added a TV and CD player with a choice of popular films. From the lounge a set of double glass paneled doors lead onto the outside patio area and well kept gardens.
A marble spiral staircase leads you to the first floor.
On the first floor are 3 double bedrooms each of them leading on to an outdoor balcony. The main bedroom has air conditioning and all rooms have mosquito grills. The main toilet and shower room are also located on this floor. Spiral stairs from this hallway continue up to the open roof terrace giving a stunning view over the olive groves leading to a beautiful sea view, this terrace is ideal for those who wish to sunbathe undisturbed in the Turkish sun. There is a built in BBQ, sink and a washing machine for laundry.
Bed linen, bathroom towels and bath robes are supplied. The weekly rate also includes electricity & gas.
The scenic journey from Bodrum Airport is approx 1 hour, and a `pick up` for arrival/departure can be arranged.
It is my intention to put more detail on a seperate page for the various rooms.
please,please be critical as writing is not one of my strong points.
thanks
The Villa
This attractive detached Villa located in Akbuk, Altinkum, Turkey, is in a well cared for development which is surrounded by mature olive groves. This spacious villa can sleep up to 8 adults in three double bedrooms and 1 lounge, ideal for couples or families. A five minute stroll through the scented olive groves takes you the 400 metres to the sandy (blue flag) beach and the crystal clear turquoise waters of the Aegean Sea.
Entry to the villa is from a covered porch and leads you into the entrance hall where there is a shower room/toilet on your left and a separate well equipped kitchen on your right. From the kitchen is a door leading to a large covered outdoor terraced area ideal for your morning breakfast or just relaxing in the cool shade with a chilled drink in hand. The lounge is light modern and roomy with a marble tiled floor with 3 sofas which can be used as additional single beds. We have added a TV and CD player with a choice of popular films. From the lounge a set of double glass paneled doors lead onto the outside patio area and well kept gardens.
A marble spiral staircase leads you to the first floor.
On the first floor are 3 double bedrooms each of them leading on to an outdoor balcony. The main bedroom has air conditioning and all rooms have mosquito grills. The main toilet and shower room are also located on this floor. Spiral stairs from this hallway continue up to the open roof terrace giving a stunning view over the olive groves leading to a beautiful sea view, this terrace is ideal for those who wish to sunbathe undisturbed in the Turkish sun. There is a built in BBQ, sink and a washing machine for laundry.
Bed linen, bathroom towels and bath robes are supplied. The weekly rate also includes electricity & gas.
The scenic journey from Bodrum Airport is approx 1 hour, and a `pick up` for arrival/departure can be arranged.
Juco,
I have a couple of questions before trying to improve on what you have written:
- What would you say are the best selling points for this villa? If you could only tell me one thing about it in order to make me book, what would you say? And what if you could tell me two things, three things, and four things?
- You also need to sell the area on your homepage since people choose holidays by location. Do you have any text for the area already written? Can you do the same exercise as above with the best selling points for the location?
Thanks.
I have a couple of questions before trying to improve on what you have written:
- What would you say are the best selling points for this villa? If you could only tell me one thing about it in order to make me book, what would you say? And what if you could tell me two things, three things, and four things?
- You also need to sell the area on your homepage since people choose holidays by location. Do you have any text for the area already written? Can you do the same exercise as above with the best selling points for the location?
Thanks.
Paolo
Lay My Hat
Lay My Hat
Juco, the beginning of your sentences are flat and uninspiring (sorry - I am hyper critical): "This attractive detached Villa..... This spacious villa .....A five minute stroll.....Entry to the villa .....From the kitchen is a door .....The lounge is light modern and roomy......We have added a TV ..... From the lounge......
A marble spiral staircase etc etc" . Perhaps the worst example is:"The main toilet and shower room" , where reference to a "light and spacious (for ex) shower room with separate toilet" would have placed the emphasis on the qualities of the room rather than the function, which, in this case, probably doesn't need to be dwelt on......If you emphasise the qualities ( a stunning view over the olive groves) rather than the function
(Spiral stairs from this hallway) the prospective tenant can start dreaming: this is your goal.
The first sentence should open the reader's imagination: no "attractive detached Villa" can do that. There are 2,465 attractive detached Villas to rent in your area: I agree with Paolo - individualise yours.
"Sunbathe undisturbed in the Turkish sun" with"a beautiful sea view" (you have all it takes already in the text, but it's hidden): you'll have cold-climate north Europeans dreaming straight away!!
A marble spiral staircase etc etc" . Perhaps the worst example is:"The main toilet and shower room" , where reference to a "light and spacious (for ex) shower room with separate toilet" would have placed the emphasis on the qualities of the room rather than the function, which, in this case, probably doesn't need to be dwelt on......If you emphasise the qualities ( a stunning view over the olive groves) rather than the function
(Spiral stairs from this hallway) the prospective tenant can start dreaming: this is your goal.
The first sentence should open the reader's imagination: no "attractive detached Villa" can do that. There are 2,465 attractive detached Villas to rent in your area: I agree with Paolo - individualise yours.
"Sunbathe undisturbed in the Turkish sun" with"a beautiful sea view" (you have all it takes already in the text, but it's hidden): you'll have cold-climate north Europeans dreaming straight away!!
text
Thanks for the input I have posted below the original and then a further 2 versions...any better?
The Villa
Original
This attractive detached Villa located in Akbuk, Altinkum, Turkey is in a well cared for development which is surrounded by mature olive groves. This spacious villa can sleep up to 8 adults in three double bedrooms and 1 lounge, ideal for couples or families. A five minute stroll through the scented olive groves takes you the 400 metres to the sandy (blue flag) beach and the crystal clear turquoise waters of the Aegean Sea.
1st attempt
Relax as you lie back and soak up the Turkish sun on the private roof sun terrace or while sipping your chilled drink take in the magnificent backdrop of the mountains in the distance with their pine trees and cotton fields. You are now beginning to adjust to a slower pace as you cast your eyes over the tops of the sun baked olive groves and catch the breathtaking sight of the clear Torquoise waters of the Aegean Sea.
2nd attempt
Relax, lie back and soak up the sun on a private roof terrace. Admire the magnificent backdrop of a sunset in the mountains while sipping your chilled wine. If you enjoy the sun, good food, tourist attractions and Turkish culture look no further. Ideal as a romantic holiday, for a couple or family, Akbuk situated 8kms from the busy tourist centre of Altikum. It is in the heart of traditional turkey and 60 mins from the airport of Bodram, theTurquoise waters of the Aegean sea are nearby for those lazy days sunbathing or romantic walks.
The Villa
Original
This attractive detached Villa located in Akbuk, Altinkum, Turkey is in a well cared for development which is surrounded by mature olive groves. This spacious villa can sleep up to 8 adults in three double bedrooms and 1 lounge, ideal for couples or families. A five minute stroll through the scented olive groves takes you the 400 metres to the sandy (blue flag) beach and the crystal clear turquoise waters of the Aegean Sea.
1st attempt
Relax as you lie back and soak up the Turkish sun on the private roof sun terrace or while sipping your chilled drink take in the magnificent backdrop of the mountains in the distance with their pine trees and cotton fields. You are now beginning to adjust to a slower pace as you cast your eyes over the tops of the sun baked olive groves and catch the breathtaking sight of the clear Torquoise waters of the Aegean Sea.
2nd attempt
Relax, lie back and soak up the sun on a private roof terrace. Admire the magnificent backdrop of a sunset in the mountains while sipping your chilled wine. If you enjoy the sun, good food, tourist attractions and Turkish culture look no further. Ideal as a romantic holiday, for a couple or family, Akbuk situated 8kms from the busy tourist centre of Altikum. It is in the heart of traditional turkey and 60 mins from the airport of Bodram, theTurquoise waters of the Aegean sea are nearby for those lazy days sunbathing or romantic walks.
Juco,
Your second attempt is much better, but I would still like to know the answers to my questions above.
What Alexia is saying is the first rule of good copywriting - state the benefit, not just the feature.
Example:
Feature: "There is a roof terrace with view of the sea"
Benefit: "You can sunbathe all day on your private roof terrace with breathtaking views of the Aegean"
Your first rewrite does try to state the benefit but it's rather long-winded and uses too many well-worn travel phrases for my liking.
Your second attempt is much better, but I would still like to know the answers to my questions above.
What Alexia is saying is the first rule of good copywriting - state the benefit, not just the feature.
Example:
Feature: "There is a roof terrace with view of the sea"
Benefit: "You can sunbathe all day on your private roof terrace with breathtaking views of the Aegean"
Your first rewrite does try to state the benefit but it's rather long-winded and uses too many well-worn travel phrases for my liking.
Paolo
Lay My Hat
Lay My Hat
Paolo, sorry my first post didn`t go and then i forgot to put in when retyping. Alexia thanks for your comments its the type of criticism I need. I bounced them off my family and they said `good` I knew they weren`t right, just appealling to my ego.
benefits...
the views (from terrace)
near to beach(400 yards)
quieter area
near to busy resort(altinkum)
paolo when you you say the second attempt do you mean the last one in the list of three?
I am back out on the 22 nd dec so I will get a lot more info then, and better pictures as well, i realised when we came home in october the pics were not good enough for a website
Juco
benefits...
the views (from terrace)
near to beach(400 yards)
quieter area
near to busy resort(altinkum)
paolo when you you say the second attempt do you mean the last one in the list of three?
I am back out on the 22 nd dec so I will get a lot more info then, and better pictures as well, i realised when we came home in october the pics were not good enough for a website
Juco
Hi,
I think its beginning to read better now, but please be critical with comments
Relax, lie back and soak up the sun on your private roof terrace. Admire the magnificent backdrop of the cotton fields and pine trees on the nearby mountains while sipping your glass of chilled wine. In the warm evenings watch in comfort the stunning sunsets as the sun slowly sinks behind the mature sun baked olive groves. If you enjoy sunshine, good food, tourist attractions and Turkish culture then look no further. Smother yourself in the romantic atmosphere as a couple or a family. Located in the heart of traditional Turkey in Akbuk only 8 kms from the busy resort of Altinkum and a picturesque 60 minute drive from Bodrum airport. The Turqouse waters of the Aegean sea are only 400 yards away for those lazy days on the beach or romantic walks.
Juco
I think its beginning to read better now, but please be critical with comments
Relax, lie back and soak up the sun on your private roof terrace. Admire the magnificent backdrop of the cotton fields and pine trees on the nearby mountains while sipping your glass of chilled wine. In the warm evenings watch in comfort the stunning sunsets as the sun slowly sinks behind the mature sun baked olive groves. If you enjoy sunshine, good food, tourist attractions and Turkish culture then look no further. Smother yourself in the romantic atmosphere as a couple or a family. Located in the heart of traditional Turkey in Akbuk only 8 kms from the busy resort of Altinkum and a picturesque 60 minute drive from Bodrum airport. The Turqouse waters of the Aegean sea are only 400 yards away for those lazy days on the beach or romantic walks.
Juco