My Description Runneth Over -- Please HELP!!

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heavenlyhartwell
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My Description Runneth Over -- Please HELP!!

Post by heavenlyhartwell »

Hey everyone. The narrative description on our website is too long, I know it. If you could read it (allow 20 minutes :oops: and let me know what you'd cut, I would be forever grateful.

Lisa
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debk
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Post by debk »

Hi, Lisa - I just took a quick look. Lovely spot, lovely house! I've a terrible time with excess verbage myself so can really appreciate the effort it takes to edit your own writing. Not easy. Maybe we are the blind leading the blind but here goes anyway. :lol:

By reorganizing the first section, I cut 100 words... from 436 to 331. My wording (quickly chosen as I'm off to bed now) won't reflect the true feel of the house or even how you want to present it. I was just playing with reorganization to avoid repeating subjects, thereby reducing verbage and making for an easier read.

The re-organization...
Hartwell Heaven is a charming cottage-style lake home so close to the water that you can almost fish from the deck. Please see additional photo link near the calendar section below.

This house is located on a quiet cove perfect for those little ones learning to ski or for the avid fisherman. A covered dock, 50 paces from the deck (very close corp line!), with a 26 ft. slip is in place for your boat… or rent a boat for the week from a nearby marina. (We can help you arrange to have a pontoon delivered from a nearby marine center, keys in it, ready for your arrival.) Swimming is great off the dock, with an expanded side area set with Adirondack-styled chairs – plenty of space to bring a cooler down and set up for the day.

Upon entering the beautifully decorated, 1900 square-foot home, you’ll appreciate the two separate living areas: a family room and a sunroom, so that adults can relax while the kids play in their own space (games, puzzles, books and walkie-talkies provided). The delightfully cozy family room has a wood-burning “Buck� stove; one of the sofas in the cheerful sunroom is a sleeper sofa. The spacious kitchen has plenty of tableware so that you won’t be doing dishes every 5 minutes! There is also a half-bath adjacent to the kitchen. Two exterior decks and a large screened-in porch overlook the lake -- a great way to begin or end the day. Both decks have seating areas, one has a weber charcoal grill.

At night, spread out in the three bedrooms: the Master Bedroom has luxurious Company Store bedding on the king bed (plus walk-in closet and private bath with tub/shower). The other two bedrooms each have a queen bed (Tommy Hilfiger and Ralph Lauren bedding) and share a connecting full bathroom. Both open onto a screened porch with great lake views. Please remember that for overflow there is a sleeper sofa in the sunroom.
Hope that helps. Me... I'm off to bed. Boa noite!
debk
alexia s.
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Post by alexia s. »

I'd replace "perfect for those little ones learning to ski" with "perfect for learning to ski".
Couldn't you cut a lot of the text by using photo captions?
"We can help you arrange to have a pontoon delivered from a nearby marine center, keys in it, ready for your arrival" isn't necessary if there is a photo with short caption - "Pontoon available on request".
(Does it matter where the pontoon is coming from? Why not just "We can help you arrange to have a pontoon delivered"?)

"the two separate living areas: a family room and a sunroom" can become" "the family room and separate sunroom".

Etc!
Best,
Alexia.
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Giddy Goat
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Post by Giddy Goat »

:lol: Just chanced on this while searching for something totally unrelated, and instantly sympathised with Lisa's problem. What a super spot, but with lots of competition (I'm assuming) from other cabin owners, how do you make your property stand out above the rest?

Because of the (stupid IMHO) layout of VRBO's ads, even if you've bought extra pictures in addition to the 5 allowed in a standard ad, only one image appears at the top, and the rest at the foot of the page - so unless you can discipline yourself and keep your text down to the bare minimum, people have to scroll. If the first image and text doesn't grab the visitor enough to scroll, you've had it!

I notice with disappointment that Lisa didn't implement Deb's changes, which is a shame.

Anyhoo, after three years of having had no interest from North Am, in this year, our fourth, we had several families staying and one of these is returning next year, which I'm delighted about; in addition, someone's booked a week in May which is just great! So I decided a month or so back to have a go at attracting more North-Americans to our area of France, Gascony, and stuck an ad on this same site, VRBO. Not the best time perhaps to persuade them to part with their money but perhaps others here with properties in Europe can share their experiences of recent enquiries and bookings from this source?

Since our area is still only entering into New World consciousness, I wrote lots of text, to fill them in. Brooke, one of our resident American (and long-standing, very valuable) members kindly gave it the once-over and immediately spotted what I'll now call "the Lisa Effect" (sorry Lisa!)

After I'd had a go at getting the same message over in fewer words, Brooke gave me feedback and the result was an improvement, but the habit of giving too much info is deeply entrenched! Here's mine (:oops:) : http://www.vrbo.com/198422

Still in need of ruthless slashing! Anyone else share this problem?
Last edited by Giddy Goat on Wed Oct 29, 2008 12:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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KathyG
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Post by KathyG »

Can't get that link to work GG!
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Giddy Goat
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Post by Giddy Goat »

It should do Kathy - have you tried with a different bowser?

If all else fails, you should find it just by going onto vrbo's main page, and using "Condom" (cough) as your search word. It comes up at the top of the search results, followed by a load of condominiums ....

http://www.vrbo.com/
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KathyG
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Post by KathyG »

It's ok now GG, must've been me.

Well, have read it all and my immediate thought is 'I wonder how far Au Chicot is from here'! Would love to go and have a look, it sounds wonderful. Very atmospheric and welcoming description, but yes a bit wordy here and there, struggled to concentrate in some parargraphs.

I've knocked out quite a few commas to make it flow better, IMHO anyway. :wink: and taken quite a few chunks out but some of them might be really relevant/important to you though............

Au Chicot, our vacation rental, nestles between Biarritz, Bordeaux and Toulouse in south-west France. Two hours south of the Dordogne, it's situated in the department of the Gers, stamping ground of the Three Musketeers but more famed now as the center of Armagnac production and of a rapidly growing wine industry. Toulouse and Bordeaux international airports are a 1.5 and 2 hrs drive away. Or why not start your holiday off by relaxing in the high speed TGV from Paris to Agen (4 hrs), pick up your hire car and from there it's just an easy, very pretty run of 40 minutes.

Once a small farmhouse with adjoining barns and stable, Au Chicot has been lovingly and carefully renovated to preserve its rustic charm - fabulous beams, exposed stone walls, fireplaces and wood floors create a spacious and light-filled, truly comfortable home.

Sleeping 8 + baby in four bedrooms (three of which have private bathroom with shower), the house is furnished with a careful mix of French country antiques and quality contemporary pieces; the overall feel is of relaxed elegance. The views from the house are really quite exceptional and can be appreciated from many of its windows and even when you're swimming!

Gascony, with its gently rolling landscape lays claim to the highest concentration of bastide (fortified) villages in France and you're only 20 minutes from three of France's officially listed "most beautiful villages". (I'd put these villages in here)This seriously unspoilt area offers a rich heritage, superb climate, and great regional food (duck and foie gras featuring frequently) and wine of course: best appellations of the area being Madiran, Jurancon, Cotes de Gascogne and of course Armagnacs.

If you're not all gourmands however, there’s heaps for the family to see and do without it becoming a military exercise - sportsmen, nature lovers, artists, those keen on architecture and Roman remains, sun-worshippers, it's all here!

Au Chicot sits neatly at the head of a plateau, on three acres of land, surrounded by fields of sunflowers, maize and vineyards. Just a gentle stroll away is the beautiful Château de Busca-Maniban, a prominent Armagnac producer and the finest example of 17th Century architecture in Gascony where you'll be welcomed for a tour and tastings. Sunsets are spectacular at Au Chicot, and the night skies are a star-gazer's dream.

Cars are a rarity here, so the only sounds you'll hear will be those of crickets, bees, the faint whirr of a tractor, or closer to home, happy splashes, pages turning or corks being popped!
Feeling mellow after a good meal, with the Chateau de Cassaigne illuminated in the distance, indulge in a little stargazing ... A glass of Armagnac to send you to bed with, and oh dear, there's more of this tomorrow!

Though tucked away, don't be misled: the house is only a short drive from commerce - 5 minutes to crusty bread and warm croissants, and only 10 minutes to our pretty local town of Condom which, despite its name is not the birthplace of "préservatifs"! All the commerce you need is there plus a wealth of restaurants ranging from Michelin starred to those offering hearty Gascon fare - €15 or less for a rustic three-course meal and the local tipple.

In Gascony the welcome is warm, and the slow pace of life infectious. Try it and see! We have detailed information and many, many more pictures available at our website (including an interactive floorplan) - the link is provided below. Bonnes vacances!
Kathy
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Giddy Goat
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Post by Giddy Goat »

Kathy, thanks heaps for spending so much time and thought on this, I really appreciate it and have implemented most of your changes. It really helps to have a fresh eye; I kept one or two little things in as I thought they were important in terms of opening people's minds to a new area.

But have we made enough savings? 60 words/ nearly 500 letters and spaces have been binned, which isn't a huge amount but a good start - how much can I afford to lose without shooting myself in the foot? :?
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e-richard
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Post by e-richard »

I'm hopeless at sub-editing prose, so I won't try, but adding in some sub-headings should help it look a lot easier to read.
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Post by la vache! »

I think your text reads beautifully, GG, but there are still some things I'd cut out. For example, the little comment about Condom - don't Americans call condoms 'rubbers', so if your market is US, they won't get your comment anyway? And is all the detailed transport link and geographical info in the first paragraph necessary? When I look at other ads on the site, they don't have this.
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Post by Giddy Goat »

Oh, thanks for the tip re Condom LV - I'd forgotten they used a different word for this! Now gone!

The travel info was necessary I felt, as few US visitors know where our area is by and large, and how to get there. Hence mentioning the Dordogne, which they're more likely to have heard of, plus Bordeaux, Biarritz and Toulouse. Agree, it's boring and I wouldn't normally include it so high up in the text.

As for a sub-heading or two, it was a good suggestion e-Richard and I looked at it but decided that to achieve this I'd have to re-order the paras so that all the info on the area was in one place, and the info on the house in another. This is standard, and I'd normally do that but felt that since this was a new market I was trying to attract, that I'd be better off having a mix - description of the house, but in the context of the area and what it has to offer.

I hope this discussion helps others who may be looking to break into new markets - it certainly requires a re-examination of the content and approach but I'll let you know if this one works! It may be a question of using a different listing site for the purpose but others here with French properties have had good success with VRBO, so I'm keeping everything crossed.

Not a great time to be experimenting though! :roll:
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