Anal Complaints 2015

[Bunny]

From guests who just left "Your fork is too heavy".

Me: "Oh sorry to hear that - which one exactly are you talking about"

"All of them. I dropped one and the plate smashed! I have never seen such heavy forks!"

Evidently, I have given them too good quality. Silver plated and yes, they are heavier than your average 'holiday cutlery' I suppose, but you are not supposed to drop them from a height onto china! (And if you do, you normally apologise, not blame the fork!)

Not if you don't want to pay for the plate! Where there's blame, there's a claim - of too heavy forks evidently!

[teapot]

From guests who just left "Your fork is too heavy".

Me: "Oh sorry to hear that - which one exactly are you talking about"

"All of them. I dropped one and the plate smashed! I have never seen such heavy forks!"

Evidently, I have given them too good quality. Silver plated and yes, they are heavier than your average 'holiday cutlery' I suppose, but you are not supposed to drop them from a height onto china! (And if you do, you normally apologise, not blame the fork!)

Not if you don't want to pay for the plate! Where there's blame, there's a claim - of too heavy forks evidently!

The fork wasn't too heavy, Gravity is too strong or does the earth suck?

[Essar]

From guests who just left "Your fork is too heavy".

Me: "Oh sorry to hear that - which one exactly are you talking about"

"All of them. I dropped one and the plate smashed! I have never seen such heavy forks!"

Evidently, I have given them too good quality. Silver plated and yes, they are heavier than your average 'holiday cutlery' I suppose, but you are not supposed to drop them from a height onto china! (And if you do, you normally apologise, not blame the fork!)

Not if you don't want to pay for the plate! Where there's blame, there's a claim - of too heavy forks evidently!

The fork wasn't too heavy, Gravity is too strong or does the earth suck?

I read somewhere that gravity only applies to apples - did Sir Isaac have a fork when sitting under an apply tree? No he didn't!

[Jo Taylor]

I'm waiting for them to post a review that says we're not in the location where we say we are.

Apparently we aren't... we gave guests coordinates. They phoned saying the SatNav says they are 15 mins away from us. They are near a place called B****y. Could be a small village I've not heard of. Consult Google. No, it's a town around three hours east of us. Check coordinates... "Yes, that's what we put in". Check again...they'd missed the minus sign so had gone east instead of west. "It wouldn't let me put a minus in so I didn't".

[Cassis]

Apparently we aren't... we gave guests coordinates. They phoned saying the SatNav says they are 15 mins away from us. They are near a place called B****y. Could be a small village I've not heard of. Consult Google. No, it's a town around three hours east of us. Check coordinates... "Yes, that's what we put in". Check again...they'd missed the minus sign so had gone east instead of west. "It wouldn't let me put a minus in so I didn't".

That's happened here, too. When the couple arrived the chap said our coordinates were faulty, they'd ended up in Gèsvres which is about 30km/40 minutes west of here.

We're N 48.36835, E 0.17935 and Gesvres is N 48.36835, W 0.17935.

Good job they got the E-W screwed up rather than the N-S.

[Bassman]

A few years back we had a guest call saying they were outside the grocery shop in the village of Angliers could we give directions from there, the problem was we dont have a grocery shop.
They had forgotten to put the post code in and were in another Angliers around 2 hours from us!

[Cassis]

They had forgotten to put the post code in and were in another Angliers around 2 hours from us!

So pleased to know through all this that we're not the only ones who attract people who blindly follow Sat Naff instructions without bothering to check the map location.

[Jo Taylor]

They had forgotten to put the post code in and were in another Angliers around 2 hours from us!

So pleased to know through all this that we're not the only ones who attract people who blindly follow Sat Naff instructions without bothering to check the map location.

You'd think they could tell they were heading in the opposite direction, wouldn't you? For that long?
This family had come from the other side of the world for two weeks in France; their week here was in gorgeous weather. They spent all but around two hours a day sitting indoors peering at the NINE 'devices' they'd attached to our broadband, hogging the bandwidth while I was trying to work. Even when they did go out, some of the I-Things were still there using it. Then whinged because they'd used a little more electricity than the inclusive allowance.
(Hello Phil, long time no 'see'!)

[Fifi]

'we think we can see the house, but how do we access it?' The daft so-and-so's had driven past the house on the road, and were looking at it from back at the top of the hill on a farm track, and the concept of a 98 point turn and come back the way you came was just too tricky. Apparently my fault because I don't have an enormous flashing neon sign saying 'this is it'!

Fed them a couple of glasses of riesling, and good humour and equilibrium were restored .......

[Essar]

I had guests who had arrived in Bournemouth town centre thinking that everything would be nearby including the apartment they were staying in.

Guests: "Hello, we're here. Where do we go from here and where do we park".
Me: "Where are you?".
Guests: "Bournemouth".

It goes on like this for a bit...

Guests: "Yes, that's right we're on the concourse near the pier".

Now the concourse is closed to vehicles but they managed to get down there and were right in the middle of the bouncing/dancing fountains display that children have great fun in. Eventually, I literally talked them through from leaving the pier to arriving at the apartment. This is very stressful as you have to try and remember where the next turns are, which exit to take on a roundabout and which lane to be in. It took almost an hour to get them 3.4 miles.

Guests: "That was a bit stressful, the SatNav battery went when we left the M25 and we didn't bring any of the paperwork with us. We thought there would be better signs to the beach"
Me: "There are 7-miles of beach, didn't you think that Bournemouth might be large town?".

I could hear the tetchiness in my voice, so I just smiled: "Well you're here now".

Later in the week after I had four or five phone calls about how to work things that even a child of 3 could operate; they mentioned in passing that the two Policewomen who had helped them leave the pier concourse had been very rude about there "lack of common sense".

I feigned technophobia when asked the day before they left if I could "pop round and set the SatNav for them, they'd had it on charge all week".

Having never heard from them again, I do sometimes wonder if they are still going round and round the M25 looking for somewhere to charge the SatNav.

Mr. Guest was a Doctor of some "ology", he could pass exams for England but couldn't cross a road without the aid of a 3-year old child.

It's all true.....

[Cassis]

"Well you're here now"

Aye, I'm sure that has been said by most of us with varying degrees of relief/exasperation/dread for what is yet to come.

[Ecosse]

Not in relation to a holiday let but in a previous job we closed the road up to Cairn Gorm ski area for a race. At the bottom were our staff explaining to drivers who'd missed the 8 miles of signs on the road from Aviemore that cars were being let up at half hour intervals between races.
'That's fine, ' said a couple of guys in a sporty convertible, 'it's a nice day and we've plenty of time to get to Braemar,'
'You won't get to Braemar this way, ' we said.
' Really? What's this road on my map, then? '
It was a hill walking track over several miles of peat and bog...

[teapot]

'That's fine, ' said a couple of guys in a sporty convertible, 'it's a nice day and we've plenty of time to get to Braemar,'
'You won't get to Braemar this way, ' we said.
' Really? What's this road on my map, then? '
It was a hill walking track over several miles of peat and bog...

Ah, that's a product mismatch, they do occur, in your case a high performance car with a low performance brain, quite a common mismatch I find.

[GillianF]

On the subject of guests arriving, and pre-SatNav days .........

.......... guest 'phones at 6.00 p.m. to say they have just seen a sign for Limoges (an hour north of us) and should be with us "soon". Guest finally arrived at 2.00 a.m. The 'sign for Limoges' was the kilometrage sign telling drivers "Limoges 247kms".

[teapot]

Brilliant, this thread is excellent